Secondary school, year eight, just a bit after Christmas, I developed my first crush. I never really cared about boys when I was younger, until that one day. I had a friend called Amy, and some girls who I now call my closest friends, decided to sit next to her at lunch. She wasn’t their biggest fan and I wanted to make sure she was ok, so I kept looking over to make sure she was. Little did I know, I was about to properly gaze over the first person I ever crushed on. These two boys, Ollie and Tom were sitting at the table next to them and they stared at me, so confused, thinking I was staring at them. Typical boys. Anyway, over the next few weeks, I started dreaming and just obsessing over this boy, Ollie. I never thought I was gay because of it. I didn’t even think it was gay. I just thought I was crushing on someone and I loved that, because I wasn’t worried about people talking about me, caring if I fancied a boy or what their opinions were about it. I just fancied a boy.

In my primary school, I would get called gay, not knowing why. I thought the word gay was a swear word, which conveys a lot of how boys in my year, would view gay people. I again just thought it was a swear word. I guess I subconsciously brought it upon myself. I had an argument with my friend, Rick and I had told some people I broke up with him, without realising what I was saying. I think I meant to say I wasn’t friends with him but I felt intimidated and pressured by the boys. 

I was annoyed with the world because I always thought I would marry a girl, with brown or ginger hair. I never even considered that I’d marry a boy, and I’m upset over that. I would’ve loved to have been told that you can love anyone. Hopefully, the children of the generations after me can. In the back of my mind, I think I felt feelings for one guy before, in year 6. I didn’t know what it was, but all I knew was that I was pulled towards him. I wouldn’t want to be away from him. I remember, once a boy in my primary school just put his hands on my face. Looking back on it, I think he could’ve fancied me. It is very random for someone to just wrap their hands round your face and smile intensely.

Back to year eight, I couldn’t stop thinking about Ollie. I would see his icy blue eyes twinkle. I had never seen anything like that before. After a while, I decided to tell one of my closest friends at school, Lauren. I only told her the initials of this boy’s name, because I didn’t want to tell anyone. She was the first person who knew I was gay, and I’m so glad she was the one I trusted. Anyway, word got around, but not from her. After a while, I didn’t feel that it was a secret, so I was happy to tell the girls. A girl in our year kept shouting out his name, yet changed it to a girl’s name, by adding a few more letters on his surname. It was ridiculously obvious. As word got around, two boys with the same initials as the guy I liked, came up to me saying I was spreading that they were gay, when in reality, one of the boys in my year decided to spread a rumour. Little did I know, he was keeping a secret. 

The evening of the day I told my friend Lauren that I had a crush on Olly, I decided to text him (one of the worst ways of telling someone you like them, please don’t do this if you’re thinking of doing it, in person is the best way). I texted him that I liked him, and he screenshotted it, and made a group chat with most of our year group. It was sad, but I don’t think I cared that much because the idea of him that I loved was in my head. It wasn’t reality for me, so I wasn’t too upset. It was more stressful than anything. The next day, his friends were pretty supportive, two of them were talking to me about how I knew I was gay, which I hadn’t really considered but I realised after researching and thinking about it properly. It was nice of his friends to try to be supportive. My friend Lauren had my back throughout. One of the best people I’ll ever know. 

Even though Olly outed me to my year, I wasn’t too bothered. School wasn’t the public eye for me, I know it is for most, but as long as my family didn’t find out, I didn’t have a care in the world. He wasn’t the kindest of people, but we had a school trip one time to go raft building. Take in mind I’m horrified of boats and the sea, having watched ‘Titanic’ when I was three years old. That babysitter traumatised me for life. Our raft was sinking, and everyone went off it to swim and push it back to shore. I was having a little panic attack about it, as I didn’t want to sink, despite me being able to swim. I am a massive drama queen thinking back to it. Anyway, I was crying, and Ollie came up to me to ask if I was ok. Obviously, I completely ignored him and walked off, but I’m glad he felt bad and asked me if I was alright. It was good to know he wasn’t a bad person. Perhaps my idea of him wasn’t completely flawed after all.