It was just as well that mad scientists made no real concerted effort to obliterate the world shortly after 4pm on Sunday.
Costumed crimefighters from across the superhero universe were too busy slugging it out in Sutton town centre to keep watch over the citizenry.
The amateur avengers flaunted crotch-hugging lycra ensembles as they vied to become champions of justice in Sutton and Epsom.
Each was given 10 minutes to perform a heroic deed and demonstrate their worth as a potential of sidekick of the real-life superhero SOS.
Fast as a speeding bullet, the YouTube sensation Transit Man helped a disabled man find a lavatory and was instantly named the winner of the first Sutton SOS Factor.
Among the fantastic four was also Suplex, a sleek woman with telepathic powers and Strike, capable of predicting weather patterns.
SOS said: “The day went really well and the event was well received by the audience. At times I was trying to fend off the rain with my powers and I think I just about succeeded.
“After being given my mission, Transit Man rushed into action and helped a disabled person with some lavatory requirements.
“Strike sensed some danger and went racing off somewhere but couldn’t make it back until after the proceedings, which unfortunately ruled him out of the running.
“Suplex saw a man littering and enlightened him about the future and how we need to look after our planet, as well as disposing of some litter herself, yet again proving we need heroes to clean up our streets.”
The next time the super-friends SOS and Transit Man take to the stage will be to switch on Sutton’s Christmas lights.
Until then they will be patrolling the streets, staring down danger and standing for unsponsored good.
Superheroes unmasked
Suplex A 53-year-old claiming to have returned from the year 2097, where the sun has scorched the earth and inhabitants don reflective layers of silver for protection.
Apparently her Cyan tribe have evolved, with genetic transmorphication, to read people’s minds and transmit thoughts wordlessly.
She says: “ I have seen the future and it is a dark desert. However, it is not too late to change it.
Transit Man Internet icon, named after the Transit Christian youth group meeting in Sutton, whose side-splitting battles are chronicled on the YouTube website.
He was recently filmed, in his customary yellow marigolds, thwarting his nemesis Evil Les from releasing toxins into London.
SOS Real-life crimefighter, listed on the official World Superhero Registry, who has been advertising his services in local shops since April.
Recognisable by his skintight yellow outfit and industrial ear protectors, he cannot bend the space-time continuum, but boasts enhanced hearing and mastery of Wii boxing.
Strike An irresistible fighting force said to have accurately predicted weather patterns since being struck by lightning as a child.
Brings to mind images of a supercharged Michael Fish. A friend says: “Strike is better than a weather report.
If he predicts treacherous conditions he is the first on the scene to help. The name comes from his white hair and ability to strike back at the bullies.”
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