To the fortysomething gentleman on the Bank branch Northern Line train at 9:30 this morning, reading the hardback book.

Nice try. You almost got away with it. But unfortunately your plan was scuppered by the blonde girl with the split lip sitting next to you. Because, you see, she's reading the same book. And yes, they are the same. Both brand spanking new, same colour, same size, same chapter headings at the top of each page, same typesetting and, crucially, same title on the spine . Except, unlike you, she's opted to keep the jacket on her book because she's quite clearly aware of the fact that she's fooling nobody because about 94 per cent of the population are reading the same book*

Sir, if you, a grown man, will insist on reading Harry Potter on public transport, at least own up to it.

* I reside very comfortably in the remaining six per cent