Cow Print (From Your Local Guardian)

Cow Print

1:01pm Wednesday 2nd January 2008

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By Webmonkey »

I’m going to tell you a little story.

Many years ago, my (now sadly departed) Auntie Audrey was given a commemorative teaspoon. Not wishing to offend, she left it out on display. When someone saw it, they thought "oh, she must like spoons – I’ll get her one too". When someone else noticed that she had two commemorative spoons, they thought "Two spoons and nowhere to display them? She needs a spoon-rack!" On spotting the half-empty spoon rack on Audrey’s wall, other people assumed that she must be an avid spoon collector, and decided to help out. Those spoons came and others followed – until she had two full racks of commemorative spoons on her wall.

She hated commemorative spoons.

I was reminded of this story this Christmas, when I found myself in a similar situation.

Now, cow-print stuff is kind of cool. I like it – or at least I used to.

Last year I used sticky-back plastic to make my MacBook look like a Friesian cow - not because I’m obsessed with cows - but because someone I was living with at the time had bought the same model, so I personalised mine to avoid confusion. My MacBook had previously earned the nickname ‘MooBook’ when her cooling fans were faulty and she kept making a mooing noise, so cow-print made sense.

I also have a velvet cow-print duvet set, but my brother has a tiger set and a leopard set, and he isn’t bombarded with cat-themed products. I have a cow ‘Fluff Friend’ on my facebook profile (I liked her face), but my friend has a Monkey, yet doesn’t receive piles of monkey-themed presents - so why do people keep giving me cow stuff?

For Christmas I was given cow-themed gifts from five different people. A short list off the top of my head:

• Cow-print apron
• Cow-shaped oven gloves
• Cow-shaped soap dispenser
• Cow-print tools
• Cow-print towels
• Cow-print earphones
• Cow-print napkins
• Cow-print coasters
• Cow-print pyjamas
• Cow-print socks
• Cow-shaped slippers
• Cow-shaped torch
• Cow-print pencils
• Cow-print hot-water bottle
• Cow-shaped lollipop
• Cow-shaped pen
• Cow-shaped utensil holder
• Cow-print pants
• Udder cream

Mr Webmonkey also fell into this trap, buying pretty much the entire catalogue of bovine.com and wrapping everything in cow-print tissue paper. He took photos of his achievement (see photos).

I think that he may have considered this to be his proudest moment – right up until I cried "it’s the spoons all over again!!" and proceeded to wail and rant for the next three days. The sad thing is that the cow-related stuff had cost him rather a lot, while I would have been very happy with just the DVDs and books which he had also given to me.

I have never professed to be obsessed with cows, but as the spoons fiasco proves, going along with it just to keep people happy may lead to a serious problem. A tolerable smattering of slightly misguided gifts can easily mutate into a lifetime of miserable birthdays and Christmases. So, in memory of my dear Auntie Audrey, I am going to spread the word.

Stand up for yourself, or you’ll be branded as the ‘mad spoon lady’ for the rest of your life.