Steven Seagal & JCVD (From Your Local Guardian)

Steven Seagal & JCVD

10:06am Tuesday 24th February 2009

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By Col »

For the last couple of days, Steven Seagal and his ponytail, have been appearing on TV quite a bit.

I was round Holly's mum and dads' last night, flicking through the TV channels and there he was, on Channel 5, kicking arse in a poorly edited action scene. After a bit of searching on imdb.com, I have discovered that the film in question is the action epic “Attack Force” (with an imdb user rating of 2.6 out of 10).

Anyway, as I sat there with my life essence slowly ebbing away, watching Steven Seagal acting with all the charisma and charm of a mashed potato, a thought struck me. Who actively watches these films?

Later on in the evening, I was at home, on my computer and with the TV on in the background. I hear a particularly loud advert for a film coming out called Pistol Whipped, featuring none other than Steven Seagal.... Another thought strikes, me, who goes out and buys these movies? I bet no one I know will go out and buy this film!

Seriously, when was the last time you heard someone utter the words “I watched a really good Steven Seagal film last night”. I can honestly say, for me, it was probably around 1993 – just after the release of Under Siege. And that was when I was at high school!

Don't get me wrong, I love a good action film and I am even partial to the odd horror here and there, but Steven Seagal films? They are like the Dallas Chicken of action movies, made with half the talent and half the time. And with a user rating of 2.6 out of 10 on imdb.com on films like “Attack Force”, you'd think he'd give up and move on to something else, but he doesn't – as the imminent release of “Pistol Whipped” clearly indicates. This leads me to believe there must be some secret cult out there, that follows Steven Seagal's movie career and holds it in the highest regards, almost like an action packed Bible.

The same goes for Jean Claude Van Damme, another ageing action star, who has got a film out called JCVD (named, no doubt after his initials, but if you ask me, it sounds more like a rather nasty STD).

I can't blame them for making these films, as we all need to make money. But once again I ask, who goes out there and purchases them. I can only conclude that there is a secret audience out there, that is too ashamed to admit that they actually like these films... Either that or Steven Seagal and JCVD have made a pact with the devil to ensure that we will never run short of poorly made action films.

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