We all want to pick a winner at the National, whether it is for bragging rights in the office sweepstake, a little bit of beer money or to really strike it rich.

Britain’s biggest horse race, The Grand National is back on Saturday and luckily for you I’m here with some really golden advice.

But what are your credentials, I hear you say. Why should we follow your advice?

Here’s why: in the past five years, I reckon I’ve placed as many as five bets on horses. I can’t be sure because I’ve often ended up tearing up my slip in exasperation.

One year, I had two horses in the Grand National. Both died.

I once placed a bet on a dead cert in the Melbourne Cup. It was disqualified.

So, if you read carefully my advice and be certain NOT to follow it, you’ll find your odds of making a killing are greatly increased.

BETTING TIP #1

Never trust an ‘expert’

When someone in your office *cough* Andy Parkes *cough* reckons they’ve got a sure fire winner, just smile meekly but DO NOT part with cash.

It’s like copying someone’s homework – how do you know they’ve got it right? A safer bet is to assume they haven’t.

This approach has caught me out more times than I care to remember, maybe I’m too trusting. Don’t make the same mistake.

 I’m still recovering from a great tip in the Gold Cup. Thanks a bunch, Andy. Which brings us on to...

BETTING TIP #2

Do not bet on Many Clouds.

This horse was supposed to win the Gold Cup, according to my tipsters. How could it lose? It was one of the favourites. It did not win and I’m bitter. And it won’t win the Grand National, either. Save your money, don’t bet on it.

BETTING TIP #3

Name

Let’s face it, there are 40 horses running. You can’t possibly make a good judgement on which is fastest unless you actually know what you’re doing (and remember #1, don’t trust someone who claims they do) so just pick the one with the best name.

At least this way you’ll have some kind of emotional investment in the beast. And probably a chuckle to yourself at the bookies (they won’t be amused any more, they do it every day).

It’s not a vintage pack for silly names, but stick a quid on Godsmejudge, shutthefrontdoor or Court By Surprise.

BETTING TIP #4

Jersey colour

The advantage here is that you’ll easily be able to see whether your horse is winning rather than rely on remembering roughly what yours looks like and trying to decipher the commentary. We’ve all got a favourite colour but my gut says Rubi Light in the vaguely Crystal Palace colours.

BETTING TIP #5

Odds

Booooring. You know the drill, pick the horse with the smallest numbers next to its name. Or the next one along if you’re feeling ‘adventurous’.  These change but currently Shutthefrontdoor looks like the fave at 7-1. Rocky Creek’s a decent bet at 9-1.

BETTING TIP #6

The sentimental choice

Good old Tony McCoy, he’s been great hasn’t he? Maybe he’s got it in him to win the big one before he retires? Stick a quid on him. He’s on Shutthefrontdoor.

THE DEFINITIVE MUST-BET:

All of this boils down to one choice, Shutthefrontdoor.

It’s got the best name, the best odds and a retiring icon of the sport in the saddle. It’s a dead cert.

Your Local Guardian: