Bear Grylls: Mission Survive is a new show in which a group of celebrities are tortured by Bear Grylls as they trek through the Costa Rican jungle, before the celebrity survivalist sends one of them home at the end of each week.

It’s sort of like I’m A Celebrity, except the contestants have to drink their own urine rather than eat kangaroo testicles. Win some, lose some.

There were fans from minute one.

But some people felt they had a better concept for the show…

Some were failing to feel the tension…

And others felt it was a walk in the park compared to I’m A Celebrity – notably those who’d been on I’m A Celebrity.

If it had been more like I’m A Celebrity, maybe the jungle would have been cleared for them in advance like Vogue Williams – celebrity wife of Brian McFadden – thought it would be.

It hadn’t been.

First the assembled celebrities had to jump out of a helicopter and into an algae-covered lake for some reason.

Tom Rosenthal, celebrity son of Jim Rosenthal and star of Friday Night Dinner, came up with a particularly colourful description for that green gloop.

Then, to prove some sort of macho point, Bear took a massive bite out of a heart. An actual heart.

Then Max from the Wanted, former celebrity boyfriend of Michelle Keegan, did it too, just because Bear did it. He said it tasted like corned beef.

Laurence Fox, celebrity husband of Billie Piper, was cracking the gags and leading the pack.

Meanwhile, in the standard reality TV stakes of “who’s the hottest guy?” it was all about Max.

Though there was some love for Tom too.

And Bear, of course…

But enough of that – because our intrepid celebrities had to trek up the side of a mountain to where they would make camp that night. And they had to do it on horseback.

Jamelia at this point was scared of getting on her horse.

It didn’t get any better after that, as, now dismounted, she let Laurence take her pack for the final hike because she was feeling too weak to carry it herself.

Reunited with Bear, the final challenge was to set up camp – and to do it in an hour. It was now a mad scramble to put up eight hammocks, light a fire and get a load of eggs down from the trees to supplement their army rations. Although one person had a better idea how to do that…

Mike Tindall, celebrity husband of Zara Phillips, and Kelly Holmes struggled with the eggs, Lawrence and Tom had a luvvie-off while failing to put up the hammocks, while Jamelia and Max singularly failed to light any fires.

It was not a massive success.

All that was left was for Bear to decide which of the celebrities had been least survivey, and send them home. Emilia Fox, celebrity sister of Lawrence Fox, had something to say.

Ultimately, his decision was… nobody. He was sending nobody home because he didn’t have enough information.

And with that, it was over for week one. All that was left was the ominous distribution of “wee bottles”.

We all know what’s coming in week two…