Single in the Suburbs: It will happen when it happens (From Your Local Guardian)

Single in the Suburbs: It will happen when it happens

3:47pm Tuesday 13th September 2011 in Freetime

The other day I got thinking, am I really doing enough in my search for love? I mean, should I be going on more dates, paying greater attention to my appearance, perhaps I should have signed up to another online dating website?

With all of these questions whirling around in my head, I suddenly realised how exhausted I'd become with it all. Wouldn't it be easier just to sit back and wait for the man of my dreams to find me?

After nearly a year of searching for My Right, there's still no sign of him and I'm angry because he's late. He was supposed to show up months ago, as soon as I publicly declared I was looking for love - but if anything, I think this has scared him off. Now I'm starting to question if he even exists.

Times are changing, some people marry only to divorce when the going gets tough, while others can spend their whole lives searching for 'the one' but never find them. What if I end up being one of those people?

A fortune teller once told me that I wouldn't settle down until I was well into my thirties and by that time I would have had several boyfriends. At the time I'd just come out of my first long-term relationship and wasn't sure if this was a good thing or a bad thing - could I handle another decade of tears and heartache? However, I'm now starting to realise that, for me, this is definitely a good thing. In fact it's a bloody great thing. Lots of boyfriends? Freedom until my late thirties? More years of hedonistic partying without having to worry about what my other half will think? Yes please.

But I'd like to know that one day I will meet someone and settle down. I'd also like to know that one day I'll feel content with someone who enhances my life and makes me feel secure. I think, at some stage, we all want that.

Feeling increasingly anxious about my future I called my nan, who always gives me the best advice when it comes to matters of the heart.

"Nan, after almost a year of being proactive and searching for 'the one' I still haven't found him," I told her.

"What did I tell you?", nan said. "You're not going to find him if you're looking for him. It's not like looking for a job."

This didn't make any logical sense but it was something I already knew. It's that annoying piece of advice that crops up at the end of every dating manual, after it's just spent pages and pages telling you how to be proactive in finding the man of your dreams.

"So do I call off the search then?" I said, frustration pouring from every word.. I still couldn't rationalise the logistics of finding something once you stopped looking for it, and I didn't want to just give up.

"Why not let love find you? It's far easier," nan said, as if it was that simple.

"But that doesn't mean become a recluse, still get out there and live your life to the full, meet new people, go on dates, but don't get so hung up over meeting Mr Right. Trust me, you're going to meet him eventually but it will happen when it happens."

Nan's relaxed take on things filled me with hope and optimism, two wonderful things I'd had at the start of my quest to find Mr Right, but had forgotten amidst all the disappointment over not being able to find him.

Still, reflecting on these past 12 months, I realised that it hadn't been a complete disappointment. I'd actually met a lot of nice, interesting guys, some of whom I'd stayed in touch with and even formed friendships with.

I'd also realised an important lesson. That before you can be happy with someone, you need to be happy with yourself. I'd certainly come a long way from the days of stumbling from one bar to another, searching for happiness, thinking that a guy would make my life complete. As nan always tells me, "only you hold the key to your own happiness."

I may not have found love but I have found happiness being single again. As for finding Mr Right, well I agree with nan, I'm sure it will happen one day and most probably when I least expect it.

For now, I'm going to take a well-deserved break, let love find me and all that. And for any singletons reading this column, I'd advise you to do the same.